Questions I Have
Have you ever woke in the morning really wondering what purpose do I still have for being here? I know that this is a question that has plagued me since I passed the half century mark. With my daughter leaving home and starting her own independent life (not totally because a good deal of her "stuff" is still here), I have been really struggling to figure out what to do next.
The "empty nest" may have some shouting for joy because now it seems they will have so much more pampering time for themselves, a little more money in their pocket (since the kids are not dipping into it every five minutes), and excitement at exploring all those things they've wanted to do but haven't done in a very long time. But for me, it doesn't seem that simple. Once I left the ideas I had in high school that I was going to go to a university, get a degree in science something or other, land a job at a research facility that was five years away from curing cancer, and have a large glass of wine while setting in my own apartment downtown big city, I became something else. I became a wife, a caretaker, mother, and teacher. Not spectacular, but it has kept me busy for a very long time. Me suddenly not seeming "busy" has totally thrown me off.
Hence the questioning of myself. What do I do now? I am not sure I have totally found the answer for that, but I would like to continue to explore the idea of what I might try through my writing. While deciding what to do with my day off today (it is Deer Season here in this rural Missouri town, and well that is enough cause for us to celebrate), I wrote a few verses to help ease the questioning out of my mind and into the world. And they went something like this:
The "empty nest" may have some shouting for joy because now it seems they will have so much more pampering time for themselves, a little more money in their pocket (since the kids are not dipping into it every five minutes), and excitement at exploring all those things they've wanted to do but haven't done in a very long time. But for me, it doesn't seem that simple. Once I left the ideas I had in high school that I was going to go to a university, get a degree in science something or other, land a job at a research facility that was five years away from curing cancer, and have a large glass of wine while setting in my own apartment downtown big city, I became something else. I became a wife, a caretaker, mother, and teacher. Not spectacular, but it has kept me busy for a very long time. Me suddenly not seeming "busy" has totally thrown me off.
Hence the questioning of myself. What do I do now? I am not sure I have totally found the answer for that, but I would like to continue to explore the idea of what I might try through my writing. While deciding what to do with my day off today (it is Deer Season here in this rural Missouri town, and well that is enough cause for us to celebrate), I wrote a few verses to help ease the questioning out of my mind and into the world. And they went something like this:
Who am I
Who have I been
Who will I be
Is this all there is?
When will I know
When will this end
When will I change
Is this all that I am?
If nothing comes
how will I cope?
If I've reached the end
will all things be lost?
I don't think it is
I don't think I will
I don't think I'll quit
I think I'll go on!
I will keep pounding it out whatever is ahead. I have always felt I have to accomplish this grand thing, but maybe that time has pasted. Maybe I've done the great things in my life already. Maybe I now step aside and wonder and rest...at least until I figure out how to reinvent!
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