Boundaries
"Living without personal boundaries is like trying to hold my breath and gasp for air, at the same time, it doesn't work. My introverted nature requires solitary sanctuary, to breathe. My internal batteries need time to recharge if I am to give from a place of abundance."
Author: Jaeda DeWalt
What are boundaries? Up until recently I probably would have referred to the property lines that surround where I live. But during a recent trip to visit someone very dear to me, I began to think of the “boundaries” I have, or in some cases, have not placed on myself and the people closest to me. Do I value myself and how I feel? Do I convey my feeling to others? Do I just shut down, or shut them off if I don’t like the situation? This was my initial thought:
“Boundaries are so hard, especially for the ones that you care about. We share so much history together that we want to somehow think it (the relationship) will work. When our parents die we think we don’t have to do this anymore, but we do. Not just for them, but for our own peace of mind we have to have peace and closure. Because when they die, and when we die there will be a hole. I think it is better to make peace and wipe it clean. I don’t want to hurt them. I no longer want to use what I know against them.”
After some time thinking and reading about relationships, I began trying to evaluate how I treat others, and how I allow them to treat me.
4 Things I believe I learned about myself:
- My boundaries are not just about keeping people out, but to also protect them from my actions.
- I struggle with emotional boundaries because I have a sense of being responsible for what others feel. I tend to obsess over whether everything will be okay between me and them.
- Somehow playing a victim seems to easy. What is my responsibility in setting boundaries and not just assume the other person is the one that broke them?
- I say yes because I want to feel important. I don't balance the time I really have.
Now I have also realized that many of these actions stem from situations in my childhood, and in no way would I make light of any of those. But in so many ways I am just so tired of letting those memories have ANY control over my life ANYMORE! I realized that I may not be able to change others or the past, but I can change me. I can set the tone for my own life.
This is why, after reading several really strong articles, I came up with:
5 Things I believe I can change about ME:
- It is okay for me to have boundaries and not to be defined by others.
- I can define who I am and what my needs are.
- I can communicate my needs clearly, not in a “feel sorry for me” or “I demand you listen” but in a way that makes others understand that my needs are important too.
- I can reciprocate to others. I remember that other people have feelings too.
- I can be patient with myself. Change will not happen overnight, and at first it may not “feel” pleasant, but stick to it.
I know that setting boundaries with family members will be the most difficult. They are some of my first confidants, playmates, and deepest friends. We have a deep love, respect, and commitment to each other. But I do need to provide space for myself and them to be who we are. It is my job to tell them what my needs are and that those needs matter. It is also important for me to be patient with them and myself while we all grow together.
In conclusion, I wanted to share an example of how this new found autonomy has helped me. I had a situation at work that resulted in me feeling very bad about a particular incident with a co-worker. It happened on a Friday, and of course, I obsessed on it all weekend. On Monday, I decided to talk to the other person that was involved and find out why they did what they did. Come to find out I was way off base about the situation. I had worried myself sick about this person and their actions and about how it reflected on me, when all I really needed to do was state my feelings and find out where they were coming from. When it was over, we had cleared the air, and I felt like I had placed value on who I am as a person. I also hope that I have strengthen the relationship with a colleague! If not, it will be okay. The boundary is set, and now I know that it can be done, and that I am a better person for it.
Additional Reading
These were a few sites I found helpful:
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